Therapy is on your mind but you’ve taken no steps to begin. Someone said “maybe you should try therapy.” Many people have been in that place, but how bad do things have to get? It’s hard to know when to go. I know that because I put it off myself.Read More
While I talk with clients, I listen for phrases they say frequently. If someone repeats a phrase in session, they are likely repeating it to themselves, possibly on a daily basis. Their friends might say yes, they’ve heard it, too. The person who is doing the “negative self-talk” might not realize how often it comes out of their mouth! It might be something like “I hate my job” or “I won’t succeed here” or self-deprecating statements like “I’m stupid” or ”I can’t do anything right”.
When you repeat something to yourself or out loud, it can become deeply ingrained in your mind. It takes on a power of its own. The words start to feel like “truth”. There may be aspects of the job that you don’t like – but do you truly hate it? If not, stop telling yourself that you do, because those words keep you feeling angry and resentful, even while you are planning to stay in that job. If you honestly say “yes, I really hate it!”, then by all means, stop the complaints and start taking steps. Give yourself permission to get out. Your well-being is worth the effort.
If you’re repeating things like “I’m stupid” or “I’ll never make it”, that’s a big, bad message to your subconscious. You might have started saying this to be funny or to shy away from attention. If you had bad experiences with people putting you down when you were younger, you may have picked up that message - and now you’re just doing it to yourself. You didn’t deserve that to begin with, so cut it out!
The first step is to notice when the phrases crop up. What are the circumstances? Are you sick of hearing them? Would you like to replace them with something better? If so, take action! Find someone to work with you on fixing that broken record. Depending on the circumstances, coaching or therapy can help you shift your thinking.
I can help you learn new strategies and steps to take, and even physical moves and brain-based exercises which stop the anxious/negative internal routines. You can practice consciously "re-framing" the statements. You can make a point of saying things in a stronger, clearer, more confident way. When you use techniques to speak with integrity and self-respect, your brain - and those around you - will get the message.
So… what else can you say?!
“Life Coaching is BS”
That’s the impression I got from the comments on a friend’s Facebook post. He’d written about being contacted by a young woman who identified herself as a life coach. His statement “no life coach can be 22 years old” got a lot of responses, many funny but a few pointed, even angry. People responded to the age issue and the subject of coaching in general. One said that a 22 year old “could be [a coach] for a 12 year old”. Animals, nature and young children were mentioned as ways to get “life coaching”. Sure, I agree with you, those are wonderful things to pay attention to and learn from! But that’s not what life coaching is.
Then someone asserted “some of the most dysfunctional people I know are life coaches” and stated “doesn’t being a coach usually mean you’ve retired?” They went on to say that a life coach must have been “injured by life… or retired from the sport”. That seemed pretty off-base (but it got a lot of “likes”.) Another bluntly said “I inherently feel that life coaches are bullshit, just another way to cash in on the insecurities of others”. (More likes and replies)
That left me sad, annoyed, and wishing I could have a conversation with them.
I wrote “Well-trained coaches learn methods and skills which can be used by people of any age. A 22 year old could theoretically be a good coach, if they had good self-management, boundaries, patience, insight, focus etc... some kind of maturity... they don't have to have done what a client is working on. If you are a client, you wouldn't be trying to look at your coach as an example of the way to live, but talking to them about how YOU want to live. This is different from other types of coaching (like sports, where it really helps to have the personal experience).”
I added “When I got certified, there were younger people in my class who seemed quite 'good' at helping their clients (who were often older). That said, I think my experience (in life, and as a therapist) does make me a stronger coach overall... And yes, there are hacks of all ages out there who call themselves coaches, but it’s pretty easy to figure out if you’re getting something out of the work – if you’re not, move on!”
How did they respond to my reasoned thinking and personal experience as a coach? I got exactly one “like” - from my friend who originally posted the statement!
I was frustrated by the assumptions, and realized many people think that:
Life coaches tell you how to live your life.
Life coaches have to be an expert in your way of life.
Life coaches will tell you anything to get you to spend money, and don’t care about the value to you.
These three assumptions have nothing to do with coaching as I know it, from my own training and experience. I realize that the term “life coaching” itself sets up some of these beliefs, but the there is a lot more to it than the label implies. If I thought these things were true, I might also have a knee-jerk reaction to the idea of life coaching!
Here’s my approach:
I will not tell you how to live your life. I believe that you know what you want… but you may not be putting enough energy and time into realizing and following through on it. We will identify what you want to change, what you want to keep, and where you want to get to. The answers come from you, not me!
I will not pretend to be an expert on what you do or how you live. I don’t have to have experienced everything you want to do in order to support you in doing it! If I don’t know much about the subject, I will ask you to explain what’s useful to know about the business/ relationship/project you are working on, so that I understand what’s going into your decisions.
I will only work with you in a voluntary, productive, beneficial and agreed-upon partnership. In our conversations, we will identify specific steps towards your goal. I help hold you accountable for the actions. When we talk about insecurities, it’s because the value of overcoming fears in order to make a leap is enormous.
Coaching is to help YOU envision, and then take action towards your own best life – not to imitate mine or anyone else’s!
June 25, 2014
“Can people have two therapists?”
This question was put to me by a client during the final minutes of a session. I thought about it for a few seconds and said “I think that deserves a conversation, can we talk about it next time?” I told her that the short answer is that it’s not usually advised, but I didn’t want to just say that without thinking it through. I wanted to know what she’s looking for. We agreed to pick up on it next session.
After that, it weighed on my mind. I know from ethics workshops and discussions with colleagues that most therapists would advise against it. I know for myself that I would only be comfortable in very specific circumstances. Perhaps if our modalities were clearly defined and very different, such as if she wanted to see a Reiki practioner, an EMDR specialist or a health counselor for nutrition. But to have two “talk therapists”, I doubt that would be the best way a person is served – but why not?
Turns out it’s pretty easy to find resources and articles that say no, it’s not recommended. The reasons given (often by therapists) include splitting, conflicting treatment plans, creating secrets (especially if they aren’t aware of each other or aren’t in communication). One blog called Jung at Heart has some good points, and interesting responses in the comments section.
I saw a comment on another site by a client who wants to have two, saying if a therapist insists on being 'the only one', “It seems to me this keeps the whole therapy-as-mystery and power imbalance going". That doesn't sound like a good experience of therapy, but it's not a good therapist's agenda.
I found other people who advocate having two therapists as a way to get more perspectives and advice, to have more to choose from. This might be true, but could get confusing, as it could dilute each therapist’s ability to create a plan, goals and accountability with that client.
As I try to be open to the idea and imagine scenarios and possibilities, I do keep returning to the place of “probably not the best idea”. Though I'm skeptical, I wanted to honor her question with a discussion, and explore the needs that are behind it.
I considered why she asked… the thought crossed my mind “I’m not doing enough, I’m not providing enough or giving her what she wants”. The implication from someone who asks about two could be that they’re looking for more from their sessions. But it doesn’t mean I was doing a terrible job, and I don’t think she meant to indicate that. Her tone seemed to have more to do with feeling impatient for change – not just in therapy, but in her life. (She is a very talented young woman who is involved in several fields at once, and had some success in each area, but wasn't fulfilled. She'd like to be a superstar.) Perhaps her desire to have multiple therapists mirrored that sense of needing it all to happen at once.
I think the concerns about “splitting” are valid – it could to set up a “you said/they said” dynamic -- if one therapist’s suggestion or plan is somehow at odds with the other therapist’s recommendation, it would set them up against each other – a classic splitting of parents, being recreated. Even if therapists had permission to speak to each other to try coordinating care, it's probably not realistic to have them in contact on a regular basis. Would the client share what issues they were speaking about in other sessions? If not, what would be missed?
It doesn't sound realistic to “focus on separate issues with each one”, as a comment on an article suggested - in my experience, people are not that compartmentalized. Issues such as happiness in the relationship, fulfillment at work, time management and self esteem or family history are often intertwined.
When goal setting and homework is planned, would the client be able to manage the extra "assignments"?
One therapist posted in a comments section on this topic that “Even if you have six therapists you still won't get every possible perspective, you'll inevitably be missing out on insights that someone else could offer you”, which I think is true. If someone has a desire to get other viewpoints, this quest can actually get in the way of making clear choices. People can get caught up in "information-gathering" and actually delay their choices that way.
So, I raised the subject at the beginning of the next session, and thanked her for asking a compelling question. She responded that she'd realized it's not the way she wants to do things. We used it as an opportunity to talk about our process and what she wanted to get out of our time together. Having two therapists was no longer on her agenda, but it helped bring new considerations in our session, and was also a thought-provoking idea for my practice.
I welcome responses and ideas - would it ever be useful to have two (or more!) therapists?